Sibling Problems Can Arise When It Comes To Eldercare
Posted on 18. Oct, 2010 by Aaron Yeagle in Senior News
I came across an article that addresses a critical component in caring for a parent: cohesiveness and solid planning between parties involved can make or break a senior’s long term care plan.
The Wall Street Journal posted this blog discussing the topic, with a couple excerpts below:
One of the most common causes of sibling elder-care conflicts is that one sibling winds up taking almost all the responsibility, says Paula Spencer, a senior editor of Caring.com, a website on caregiving issues.
“I can’t get over the way my siblings have treated me or my sick mom,” wrote one poster on a forum on Caring.com. The poster, Noreen, says her siblings offered no help in providing care for their mother.
To ward off sibling conflicts, Ms. Spencer advises having a family meeting to talk about what needs to get done. Education helps too; if you are well-informed on a parent’s illness or caregiving issues, send information to your sibs “so not just one person knows everything,” she says. A “divide-and-conquer” approach can help: Delegate to different siblings various aspects of caregiving such as insurance, respite care, doctor communications, financial affairs, or home maintenance.
Still, many families in such situations are surprised that they rocket right back to their childhood roles in the family, says Ms. Spencer, author of several books on family issues. The oldest sibling may still try to boss around his younger brother or sister. And the youngest child may still be seen as “the baby” whose ideas and contributions are too immature to matter – even though she may be a banker in her forties at the time.
My initial reaction is I’m happy to see this sort of discussion going on. Long term care for your mother or father is not something that is normally planned or even talked about until that time comes. And by the time that happens, you and your siblings haven’t lived together in years, often decades. Everyone has grown up, has developed their own ways to navigate through and resolve family issues, and often times there is resistence when trying to make decisions.
Like many things in life: there is no one right answer on how to resolve this sort of problem. Depending on the family dynamic, the divide-and-conquer approach referenced in the blog may be best. However, letting one person take control and delegating small tasks to others is a way that I have seen work better in many circumstances.
The most important thing to remember is what will be the final result for mom and dad? Are their best health interests in mind - and not your financial interests? Do they need a live in caregiver, a companion to stop by 3 times per week, a home health aide to tend to their personal care needs, or is a move out of the home the best move for mom and dad? In the end, these are the important questions.
When health and finances are the primary issues involved, the level of one’s ferocity and passion will be at its highest. If siblings are not qualified to help make the decision, or can’t control their ability to work as a functional team for the betterment of mom and dad, then professionals need to get involved.